Any story that begins with “It was a Monday morning,” is destined to depress the hell out of the readers and perhaps even ruin the week of the most optimistic grinders in the American workforce. So, let’s just say that this tale I’m about to spill to you fine folks began at some point following a mighty fun weekend of stoned magic, courtesy of the finest legal marijuana being trafficked into the Hoosier highlands. I’m only softening the blow here because the subject matter contained in this piece of journalism is to be considered more devastating than, say, being forced to crawl out of bed early in the morning after a seriously dedicated couple of days of self-destruction.

Regardless of how you spent the weekend, you should know there is a horrific trend trying to break right now in the cannabis industry – it is one that should be feared by all -- and I feel it is my duty to spread the word of this potential sham before it drives more of the U.S. population to take it in the rear.

Look, I’m not trying to be vulgar. Perhaps, I should try another approach to the telling of this nefarious movement. So, here goes.

This story begins with a publicity firm inquiring as to whether I would be interested in sampling a new line of cbd suppositories. For those of you who are not aware of what this product actually is, it is a delivery method for medicine in which the user inserts rocket-shaped capsules into their rectum rather than relying on conventional dosing methods, like pills and liquids. In doing this, the drug hits the bloodstream quicker and, in most cases, even provides stronger effects than if it was consumed by the end with teeth -- that would be orally for those of you having trouble keeping up.

Suppositories have been around for decades, used by patients searching for fast relief from a variety of conditions ranging from constipation to extreme pain. There is only one real downside to these little boogers – a person must violate the age-old “exit only” rule before receiving any benefit.

So the idea of cramming medicine up one’s back crack is often enough to deter most people from giving suppositories a fair shake. But in many cases, the reward that comes from absorbing feel-good substances through the intestinal tract is well worth the discomfort. I can attest to that.

It’s story time, kids.

Some friends and I were in Nashville, Tennessee several years ago on a wildly-wicked drug-induced expedition into the ultra-depraved. If you’ve lived at all, you know the kind. It was one of those weekends that most of us still refuse to talk about, especially when one of the wives is anywhere in the vicinity.

On this particular night, somewhere around 2001, we were looking to score some pain pills before tearing up the town. We weren’t doing this because we were hurting or sick from some crippling disease, we were on this mission because sometimes taking prescription painkillers can be a lot of fun. Too much fun, if I’m being honest. Why do you think the United States is smack dab in the middle of a massive opioid epidemic? Others have apparently figured this out, as well.

Author’s Note: Using opioid painkillers for recreational use is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all cost. Not only is addiction and fatal overdose always a risk, but possession of prescription medications that aren’t in your name (not prescribed by your doctor) can bring about serious troubles with the law.

This dicey behavior was something that I experimented with back in my younger years, but in no way do I encourage others to go down that road. It’s just not worth it.

At any rate, a friend of ours -- a girl by the name of Chelsea -- who lived down there at the time, told us that she could probably hook us up some Lortabs or Oxycontin if we were willing to wait around for a while. If you’ve ever purchased drugs from the black market, you know the drill: This girl knew a guy who was friends with some dude that may have had a painkiller connection. And depending on his mood, he might be willing to sell us a few if we could come up with a few bucks.

But the thing is, much like other borderline schizophrenic drug dealers operating in the shadows of America’s dope market, this guy was not at all cool with strangers coming around his house. Most drug dealers are incredibly paranoid, and some are impossible to do businesses with until they are absolutely confident that you’re not a cop or snitch wearing a wire. None us felt like dealing with any nervous maniacs, so we just let Chelsea facilitate the transaction.

Chelsea headed out into the night to see what she could come up with, while we waited patiently back at the apartment and played Mario Cart. After about an hour or so went by, she came back from the expedition, but we could tell from the disappointed look in her eyes that the deal was not a success.

When I asked her what went wrong, she explained that the guy didn’t have any pain pills, only suppositories, so she took a pass. The other guys were like, “Ah, man, yeah, we’re not messing with butt drugs. That’s just too weird. We’re not that desperate, blah, blah, blah.”

But not me. I felt Chelsea had made a huge mistake.

Back in the day, a guy I worked with at a window factory gave me a Dilaudid suppository in exchange for a copy of the Mr. Bungle’s California record. The medication was super strong – it’s used to treat some of the most excruciating pain -- and it turned me into stuttering mud puddle of numb for most of the night. I knew from that experience alone that everyone was missing out.

“Why on Earth would you turn those down, Chelsea?” I asked.

“Because, Mike,” she snapped back with frustration, alluding that anal drug use was sorely frowned upon as far as she was concerned. “I’m not going down that road. I’m just not. We’re not a bunch of junkie degenerates, are we?”

I wasn’t so sure. So, my protest continued. 

“Girl, I’m telling you, you haven’t been high until you’ve shoved pain meds up your...” Well, you get the gist of it.

Sometimes, no matter how unpleasant the back door method to medicating might be, it’s the best way to maximize the effect of the drug, regardless of whether it’s for medical or recreational purposes. The marijuana industry seems to understand this. It’s the reason that some cannabis companies are out there trying to make cannabis suppositories the next big thing.

But it’s a tough sell.

Unlike opioids, anal weed is not exactly a pursuit that the recreational consumer is eager to get into… or allow inside of them. Cannabis suppositories are used mostly by cancer patients  and those with other debilitating conditions, as they are reportedly useful in alleviating severe pain without getting the user stoned . That’s right, without getting them stoned.

Cannabis suppositories metabolize differently than, say, those containing morphine, so the user can technically consume a highly potent dose of THC and never experience a head change. It sounds like a waste of time, I know, but the rub is that the people who need this level of cannabinoid medicine can find relief without being knocked out for the entire day. Some pot firms say that CBD suppositories are excellent at helping men deal with back pain while providing women with a trapdoor from menstrual cramps. But here’s the thing, some users have great success with CBD, while others not so much. I fall into the latter. I’ve tried a variety of edible CBD products over the past couple of years, and I have not experienced any of the benefits that are often purported.

So, when I received an email from RLM Public Relations in New York asking whether I’d sample a box of CBD suppositories, needless to say, I was not very enthusiastic about the idea. Again, I’m not exactly a believer in the CBD hype to begin with, which made the act of inserting this substance even less appealing. But it’s a trend that I felt was necessary to get to the bottom of, so to speak. Even though I wasn’t about to be the official guinea pig for this experiment, I did have a potential stunt butt at my disposal. I called my intern, David, into the office and offered him a proposition that he couldn’t refuse – try the CBD suppositories for a week and I’d throw him an extra $200.

Now, this a broke college kid we’re talking about, so he’ll do almost anything to make a little extra cash to spend on craft brews and beard wax. And these trendy hipster kids are already out there dropping six to nine dollars a pop down at the coffeehouse for CBD-infused beverages. As far as I was concerned, he was the perfect candidate. Whatever I needed to do to sell him on it, I would. I just didn’t want to be the one cannabis writer who actually fell for this PR pitch and ended up getting violated by the CBD craze. That is not how I want to go down in the history books.

So, when David got back from running errands, I hit him with the proposition.

“Hey David, I need you to do something kind of important for me,” I said, while he stocked the office refrigerator with beer. “It’s one of those things that could be classified as in the interest of science.”

“What do I have to do?” he asked.

“Well, you don’t have to do anything,” I told him. “No pressure here. But there is this cannabis company called Foria – they’re the ones who make that weed-infused sex lube that everyone was making a big deal about a few years ago. Their PR firm wants me to write something about their latest product -- a CBD suppository. You know what a suppository is, right?”

“I think so,” he said. “You put them up your..”

“That’s right,” I interrupted. “Butt drugs, as we used to call them back in the day. The thing is for reasons I’d rather not get into right now, I’m not interested in sampling them myself. So… I was hoping I could convince you, my fearless bearded intern, to give them a whirl and report back to me. Then, you know, I could do a little write-up and make good on my word. I told these people I’d write something.”

“Mike, you have got to stop answering business emails after cocktail hour,” he said. “It gets you into trouble every time.

“I’m aware,” I said. “But, it’s too late now.”

“Ha-Ha,”” David said. “You’re so freaking clever.”

“I do what I can,” I snapped back. “So, will you do it?”

I could tell that David wanted nothing to do with this cannabis-infused anal probe. In fact, there was a distinct possibility that he was actually more frightened by the idea than what I had been. So, before his young mind started to consider all the reasons why he shouldn’t do help me out of this jam, I started talking cash.

“Oh, yeah,” I continued. “If you do this for me, there is $200 in it for you at the end of the week.”

“Really,” he said. “Two hundred?”

“Sure,” I told him. “Call it hazard pay.”

From there, I went on to explain that there were instructions in the box and that all he had to do was follow them and everything would turn out fine. “It’s CBD wrapped in cocoa butter,” I explained. “It’s not going to kill you or anything. Besides, how do you ever expect to become a serious journalist if you don’t get inside the trenches from time to time and take one for the team?”

“I’m starting to reconsider my career path,” he replied.

David studied the packaging for what seemed like ten minutes. I felt like I needed to sweeten the deal or else he might back out altogether and possibly even quit, leaving me without someone to run errands.  

“Look,” I said. “Why don’t you take the rest of the week off, with pay, of course, and just focus on this suppository thing. It’s a big project and I’m really grateful that you’re doing it for me. I trust that you’ll come through, so there is no need for me to watch you do it or anything. The honor system will suffice. Just get with me next week and let me know how much of a pain in the ass it really was.”

“There’s just no stopping you, is there?” he said.

“Unfortunately, no.”

David left the office with the CBD suppositories. I trusted that he would have something interesting to report by the time it was all said and done. A week later, I received an email from him with “Dumb Butts” in the subject box. I was clearly rubbing off on the boy. The message went as follows:

“Mike - I finished the suppositories and I’ve got to tell you I’ll never do anything that stupid ever again. Considering there are so many other less intrusive options for consuming CBD, I don’t understand why any patient would medicate in this way. At first, I thought maybe I was missing the benefits because, honestly, the tension from inserting those little cocoa butter missiles twice a day compounded my stress level – like by a lot. Even after I got used to that part, I never really felt the “soothing, tension-melting effects” that the box indicated was coming to me. When comparing the discomfort of using this product to others I've tried, CBD suppositories just don’t make sense to me. Please, I'm begging you, don’t ever ask me to explore “butt drugs” for the sake of journalism again, or else I’ll quit and file a lawsuit against you. Just kidding, chief! I’ll be in there tomorrow afternoon and we’ll talk more about it. BUTT, make sure you have that $200 ready to go! See, you’re not the only clever one.”

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